That's right folks. Over the past several weeks I've been doing some soul-searching, practical thinking and re-evaluation of my life. In short, I've decided not to pursue a professional acting career anymore. Hold on to your hats, folks, I'm not saying I'll never act again - of course I will, I love it and it's part of who I am. But I want a better quality of life, and more financial stability. I've had amazing experiences, I've grown as an artist and am very proud of my accomplishments as a writer and actor, but it hasn't advanced my professional career. I've had nibbles here and there, but the tedium of auditioning for commercials, the business of acting, takes all the fun out of it.
I've had moments in the past where I've considered chucking it in and getting a full-time job. But when I've seriously thought about full-time work, and what that might be, I haven't been able to do it. Something inside me would clench, like "I'm not ready." This time I'm actually excited as I look through job listings, finding things I'm interested in, jobs I'm qualified for and which I would get satisfaction from doing well. So I know it's the right decision for me this time. And man, I miss Melbourne! Being there for a couple of weeks last November was wonderful, and I think kickstarted my re-evaluation: just what life do I want to lead? I'm tired of being a struggling actress. I want some recognition, remuneration and tangible career progression for my efforts!
Do I feel some sadness relinquishing my dream? Of course. Is my life meaningless without it? Of course not! I will continue to write and act, to indulge my passion, but I'm not going through any more heartache and frustration and routinised humiliation. My feet have always been on the ground but I've no longer got stars in my eyes; I'm looking clearly straight ahead. I'll not turn myself inside out questioning why I didn't "make it;" am I not talented enough? am I not ruthlessly ambitious enough? was I not lucky enough? Probably a bit of everything. I feel that I do have some talent and that I did everything in my power. It simply wasn't enough. And that's OK. I love acting, but it's not all of me; there are other things, and people, that I love. Most of them are in Melbourne.
I will miss my LA friends, but I'll be back to visit.
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I know we talked about this when I was there, but it still must have been a difficult decision, so good on you for coming to that conclusion that in the end has a positive outlook, and that's the main thing!
ReplyDeleteSo what's the plan - are you coming soon, or did you get some more work to do first?