Two weeks

February.  What a month.  I started work in a slightly different area at UCLA; still in the law school, but turning my attention from the Law Review to the 12 other journals produced by the law students.  Some of them are struggling a bit, and don't have the benefit of a dedicated staff member looking after them, so I was charged with finding out where they were at, and what help they might need to get/stay on track.  It was really interesting meeting with the Editors-in-Chief (EICs) of these journals and hearing about the particular challenges they were facing.  Most were very much behind publication schedule, scrambling to catch up, hoping to be able to pass on the reins to the next EIC with their journal in better shape.  Most only spend one or two years serving a journal as they move through law school.  It astounds me how much these young people achieve between their study load and commitment to the journals.  "Young people"--I sound like an old lady.  Anyway, through reaching out and asking questions, I was led to another part of the beautiful UCLA campus where I met with Stacey, who oversees graduate student publications.  Stacey and I had a grand old chat, and she told me about a couple of great publishing alternatives--both print and online--that could save the journals a lot of time, money and stress.  When the people responsible for running a publication keep changing every year, often with minimal overlap with the outgoing staff, and scrambling to catch up on a schedule already a year overdue, nobody has time to look around at alternatives.  They simply keep doing what has been done before, as best they can.  I was really pleased to discover some viable options to present to them, and Stacey proved to be a well-informed and very helpful resource.  I'm proud to feel I have made some small contribution by opening up the lines of communication between the law journals--which are in some ways quite isolated--and Stacey's team, and ultimately the possibility of bringing them into the 21st century of online and print on-demand publishing.

My satisfaction was unfortunately compromised by a month of ill health which eventually resulted in my being unable to complete my last two scheduled days of work.  So I didn't get to quite wrap everything up as well as I would have liked.  I contracted a horrid chest cold the first week of February which knocked me out for a weekend (missed the Superbowl!) and I lost a day of work.  Recovered fairly well, aside from a lingering cough, or so I thought.  Until just last week I got struck down again, this time even worse.  Four days of utter crapness, barely able to get out of bed, awful cough (productive, but body shattering every time) and heavy sinuses.  Violent sneezing too.  I can at least say I got a solid ab workout every time I coughed or sneezed.  Which was every few minutes.  Completely vile, I felt like a germ bomb that just kept exploding.  Finally, on the urging and advice of friends, I went to a local clinic and was seen by a doctor.  She listened to my lungs, and my sorry tale of mucus-laden woe, and declared I was neither suffering from bronchitis nor pneumonia, but that I had indeed a very bad cold.  Not much you can do with a virus but address the symptoms and rest.  Well, I've been doing that and, I added tearfully (completely at the end of my rope) I'm supposed to be on a plane to Florida this week, and another one to Australia next week.  She wrote me a prescription.  I think it's working.  At least I feel more human today than yesterday, although I still spent most of it in bed.  So bored!  But look at me, perky enough to blog about it.  The last time I was sick was 18 months ago just before I left Melbourne for LA.  True enough it's winter in LA (as it was in Melbourne a year and a half ago), and a lot of people have been battling persistent colds and coughs (the weather has been so changeable, too; 30 degrees Celsius one weekend, 12 the next), but I think my body doesn't take kindly to the anticipatory stress of international relocation.  It's gotta be a factor, right?  Anyway, it is exceedingly dull and annoying. 

I have, however, managed to sell my car.  Which brings me to a side-rant.  Why do people feel compelled to try to bargain one down from what is already a bargain price?  I suppose they expect sellers to inflate their asking price, I suppose that's usually the way it goes.  But it's irritating nonetheless.  It doesn't take much effort to research a fair price on a used vehicle, so why quibble when you see it?  Bleurgh!  I'm no fan of selling stuff.  But I got the price I wanted for the car.  Next item my glorious comfy bed.  I know I won't get the price I want for that.  People are squeamish about second-hand mattresses, which I suppose is fair enough.  But whoever buys it will get the bargain of a lifetime.  I mean, look at this thing.  Don't you want to just fling yourself on it?

I'm going to miss this bed.  It's going to be a while before I can afford another one just as good.  Sigh.  Small sacrifices.  Shopping list for Melbourne: 1. A job.  2.  A place to live.  3. A heavenly bed.  A car?  Maybe.  We'll see.  Easier to survive without one in Melbourne than LA.  And they are soooo much more expensive in Oz.  But in Oz a quick trip to the doctor doesn't cost $120.  Can't wait to be home.

... not much longer

That's right folks.  Over the past several weeks I've been doing some soul-searching, practical thinking and re-evaluation of my life.  In short, I've decided not to pursue a professional acting career anymore.  Hold on to your hats, folks, I'm not saying I'll never act again - of course I will, I love it and it's part of who I am.  But I want a better quality of life, and more financial stability.  I've had amazing experiences, I've grown as an artist and am very proud of my accomplishments as a writer and actor, but it hasn't advanced my professional career.  I've had nibbles here and there, but the tedium of auditioning for commercials, the business of acting, takes all the fun out of it. 

I've had moments in the past where I've considered chucking it in and getting a full-time job.  But when I've seriously thought about full-time work, and what that might be, I haven't been able to do it.  Something inside me would clench, like "I'm not ready."  This time I'm actually excited as I look through job listings, finding things I'm interested in, jobs I'm qualified for and which I would get satisfaction from doing well.  So I know it's the right decision for me this time.  And man, I miss Melbourne!  Being there for a couple of weeks last November was wonderful, and I think kickstarted my re-evaluation: just what life do I want to lead?  I'm tired of being a struggling actress.  I want some recognition, remuneration and tangible career progression for my efforts!

Do I feel some sadness relinquishing my dream?  Of course.  Is my life meaningless without it?  Of course not!  I will continue to write and act, to indulge my passion, but I'm not going through any more heartache and frustration and routinised humiliation.  My feet have always been on the ground but I've no longer got stars in my eyes; I'm looking clearly straight ahead.  I'll not turn myself inside out questioning why I didn't "make it;" am I not talented enough? am I not ruthlessly ambitious enough? was I not lucky enough?  Probably a bit of everything.  I feel that I do have some talent and that I did everything in my power.  It simply wasn't enough. And that's OK.  I love acting, but it's not all of me; there are other things, and people, that I love.  Most of them are in Melbourne. 

I will miss my LA friends, but I'll be back to visit.